Marriage with a High Achiever - Values & Energetic Self-Perception for the Win

Client Background

Mika (name changed), a 35-year-old psychiatrist, came to me through a colleague’s referral. She had been married for four years to a kind-hearted, romantic man who wasn’t as ambitious as her. Their love marriage was turning sour. Mika’s driven personality and high expectations were leading her husband to hide things from her — small lies that reflected growing strain in their relationship.

Initial Assessment

In my High Achiever Pathway, we begin with two powerful tools:

1. Energy Leadership Index (ELI) — This revealed that Mika was operating mostly at Level 2 energy (“I must win at all costs”), a lens that drives achievement in the short term but often causes conflict and burnout long-term. On stressful days, she slipped to Level 1 energy (“woe is me”).

2. Values Assessment — This showed gaps between what Mika valued and how much she was actually expressing those values. For example, she rated adventure as 8/10 in importance but only 5/10 in expression.

Through Energy Leadership coaching, Mika began to clear energetic blocks and identify realistic ways to live her values more fully.

One-Month Review

Drawing on Acceptance & Commitment Theory (ACT), we reframed values as a lighthouse guiding life’s direction. This shift already made Mika calmer and more fulfilled. She also began adopting a Level 4 energy lens (“what can I do for you”), creating more compassion in her marriage.

Yet, she still judged her husband’s “lack of ambition” and “laid-back lifestyle.” To address this, I asked Mika to:

• Fill out the Values Assessment from her husband’s perspective

• Invite her husband to complete his own

The results were eye-opening. Her husband was actually living in alignment with his chosen values. For example:

• Professional success: he rated it 6/10 and expressed it at 6/10.

• Health: valued at 5/10, expressed at 5/10.

Mika, however, had assumed much higher expectations — she had rated his success as 8/10 in value but only 4/10 in expression. The contrast highlighted that he wasn’t “failing” — he was simply content with a different life rhythm.

What worked beautifully was noticing how much they already shared: romance, respect for elders, nature, humour, adventure.

This realization dissolved Mika’s unconscious “saviour” mindset. She no longer felt she had to “fix” him.

Three-Month Review

By now, Mika was embodying Level 5 energy — a state of acceptance where things are “not right, not wrong, just what they are.” Her marriage felt lighter.

She had one constructive conversation with her husband about healthier eating — framing it as a shared value for their future. He was open to small changes. Crucially, because Mika had shifted her energy from judgment to acceptance, he felt empowered rather than criticised.

Key Learning

True awareness grows as judgment dissolves.

When we stop trying to change others, we create space for authentic connection, growth, and harmony.